A cop finally catching a young man he has been after for a while tells the guy: I have been waiting along time for you!!
Young man:I came as fast as i could sir!!

whats the difference bettween a cop car and a hedgehog? the hedgehog as the bricks on the outside

A grandfather and his grandson were out in a boat in the middle of a lake fishing. A couple of hours go by with nothing happening so the grandfather gets out one of his cigarettes. The boy being so bored casually asked

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager!!




An Irish family was sitting around watching TV when the father leaned over to the mother and said "Let's send the kids to B-E-D so we can f*ck!"


In their daily english class, The teacher asked her young students for an example of the word 'contagious'.
Little Emma's hand shot up to respond. "Last week, a big truck full of pumpkins nearly ran my dads car off the road. When it went round the next bend, all the pumpkins fell off, and dad said it would take that contagious to pick them all up again!"

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find them, But a search revealed they were in the next field with a dirty big Kiwi behind them!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those
two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he
might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"








The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

this is sick i know.

Whats worse then 1 a baby in a garbage bin?

1 baby in 6 garbage bins!!!

Mary had a little lamb, it had a touch of colic.
She gave it brandy twice a day & now it's alcoholic.

this is GOLD!

Charle and candy mountain

then see this

Charlie and candy mountain remake

Glen who was 63 was having problems with his prostate and went to see his doctor about it to see if the doc could come up with a diagnosis, so after about 20 minutes of discussion about Glens problem the doctor hands Glen a glass jar and says "Im not quite sure whats the problem Glen so we will have to get a sperm sample come back tomorrow with your sperm in this jar" so sure enough Glen comes back the next day and the jar is empty the Doc says " Why is the jar empty Glen?" with an extremely puzzled look on his face "Well you see doc, I first tryed with one hand,slowly than faster ,then i tryed with two hands and still no luck!" glen replyed "
So what did you do next?" the doc eagerly asked "So then i got my wife to try she tryed with one hand, then two and even her mouth, but no luck! so we asked our neighbour steve hes a big muscly fella that works at the nightclub as a bouncer we thought that he might be able to help suprisingly he was more than delighted to help he tryed with one hand and then two and then with his arm pit!" Glen said ever so dizzy with explanation " soo...was steve any help?"the doc replyed with a puzzled and worried look on his face " And even with all that effort none of us could open the jar!