Laughed so hard i'm crying!!!! thats great!

coupla good ones there



whats better than eating a mandarin?






eating a manderout

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds. "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the #### happened to Stanley?"





A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Begrudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. As he ran up the stairs of his apartment he was in such a hurry that he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
Just then the door opened with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her then back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far now!"



A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeal, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeal and wristled him to ground and killed em with my bare hends".
Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Nambian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off end then sucked the poison from it's body in one gulp. End I'm still here today".
Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little
thing bothering me .. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in- law was twenty-two, wore very tight
mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her
private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the
door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire
future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in- law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."



Steve, Bruce and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bruce and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bruce says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bruce. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bruce informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Sure," Bruce says. "Why?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bruce continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that #### again".

OMG!!!!!!!!!

i haven't stopped laughing!! these thigns are pure gold!!

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...


BUMP........




BUMP........




BUMP........





Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP........





BUMP........





BUMP........





He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.





BUMP........





BUMP........






BUMP........





The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........





BUMP.... BUMP.......





BUMP........BUMP.......





BUMP........BUMP........





The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him ...





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...




He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......




BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....




BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....




BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....




Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling,he managed to open the lock. He dived inside, slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.




Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase ...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...




BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...




BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...




BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...




The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ...




The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin ... still it came ........




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came......


BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......




BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it ...







The coffin stopped.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."


A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, back at his hotel, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his new friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium and each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."


Tony Blair was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Thames below. Before the MI5 guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Tony said, "No problem. I'll take you there on my Harrier Jet".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Tony said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Blair is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!"